but what about my bagels?

Have you ever been considering a big change and you are excited and also defensive at the same time? I’ve been reading It Starts with Food which is the book that started the Whole30, a commitment to eat veggies, fruits, meat, and nuts for a month and cut out added sugar, grains, and legumes. Will and I have been talking about it the past few days, and we are going to start doing the Whole 30 on October 30 (Happy Halloween! Have some sweet potato!) It’s exciting to think about changing my relationship to food, but it frightens me to say good-bye to my bagels, oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and earl grey with honey and milk.

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As I was praying today, I found myself grumbling. Am I putting my life on hold this year to nanny? Should I have started that graduate program? I’m really tired of hearing little pookie ask me what a car is over and over again. Trying to pray a different way feels weird. I want my bagels. I’m sure you all have a list of things that can spring to mind once something settles in that says, “This is not what life should be.”

It helped me to write it out to God today that being in college was hard, teaching was hard, having the summer off was hard, and now nannying is hard. I came to a conclusion that I honestly hadn’t really realized… life is hard! (I know some of my wiser readers may be laughing at me right now, and I’m laughing right along with you.) It is a struggle every day to remain faithful to God, to not watch hours of Netflix, to stop after the third cookie, to push myself to write, and to be kind to Will when he says something discouraging. Every season seems to bring its own challenges and demands on my heart even when my job isn’t stressful, and I don’t have 3 papers due.

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I remembered what I had learned through A Thousand Gifts, and I began to speak my gratitude to God. Thank you for my job. Thank you for the sunflowers from the farmer’s market. Thank you for these comfy pants I found in Chelsea’s closet last summer. Thank you for the house being so quiet that I can hear the ticking of the clock (shout-out to Will for wearing headphones). 

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It’s hard to write about the turn without sounding cheesing, but professing gratitude quieted my restless heart. My mind filled with Psalm 63 (which I found a little funny because of the food references) that says:

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night.” 

I am worrying about giving up the foods that I love, and God is saying that they couldn’t satisfy me in the first place, only He can. He says I should praise him through the ordinary days because I remember who He is. He offers the peace of satiety.

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And, also, thank you, Jesus, that we got to worship with United Pursuit!

So, there it is. One ordinary day’s struggle in my slow life. What have you been fighting for recently?

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